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[06 May 2008|07:35pm] |
negative
i went shopping
every movement
was drenched
with a dread
the 'what if'
sucked
i couldn't stop
thinking
so i went to target
the tests are next
to the condoms
a little ironic twist
the wound is salted still
as it's in the same aisle
as tampons...
bought the test
and a purse
as well as hair color
i threw gum on top of the pile
as i waited
i was standing in line
being checked out by a beta
they have money and he was cute
he would have found me less attractive
could he have read the 'first reponse'
printed in ridiculous pink writing
i actually had to pee
it was urgent
i stopped at the counter
at the tanning salon
got a booth
and slipped into the bathroom
i ripped open the foil
i didn't know peeing on a stick
could be so fucking awkward
i started my period
again?
my period is so regular
i've never been late
i've never skipped
i've never spotted
it's a regular period
then
extra bleeding
so strange
my heart was beating so fast
and even after the negative
my hands were shaking
i was scared and upset
while lying in the tanning bed
i could still be pregnant
i could...
i called my mom
i told her what was up
she says it could be many things
stress. cyst. pregnancy. sickness. nothing
the end of the convo broke me
'whatever the end result.
don't get an abortion. never.
please. that's my grandchild.
that's my grandbaby.
don't kill my grandbaby'
no air. i couldn't breathe
there was tears
and pain and it ripped at the edges
because i would
if i was pregnant. i can't..
i can't be pregnant right now..
she asked how i felt about the father...
i don't know who the father is
i mean i don't know who the father WOULD be
tony... evan... aaron... or tj (unlikey)
i feel horrible. i feel sick
i ate
i don't care.
everything feels twisted
i hate feeling full
i'm so sick of puking tho
i'm gonna do something
i never do
nap
then shower
and... idk
i'm ... not so happy
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[06 May 2008|02:47pm] |
yuck
i am always sick to my stomach
i'm going to buy a pregnancy test
i'm fucking scared...
yesterday:
1 cup of spaghetti O's ~ 180 cal
couple bites of a cheeseburger :(((
jager jager jager more jager
diet coke. LOTS of diet coke
vodka
redbull
i was fucking drunk
for part of my shift
not wasted
i was dancing fine
but there was some stumbling
i'm cutting down my drinking
too many calories
i was exhausted last night
i pulled a double shift
i refused a lap dance
at the end of the night
cuz i was so tired
i was entertaining a table
of college guys
they enjoyed my wit lol
they kept laughing
as i laid this guy out
and i wasn't asking for dollars
i was just clownin
they asked me to
come with them after work
they kept trying to get my number
i was fucking tired
and as fun as i try to be in the club
it's awkward to interact with guys
after they've stuck dollar bills
in my thong
watching rihanna's 'take a bow'
fucking love that song
it's perfectly in my range
i rock that song, vocally speaking
after work on sunday
i hung out with three
newly graduated hotties
omg two of them were fucking
OMG SO SO SO SO SO hot
they were the kind of gorgeous
i thought i'd never get
ian kept looking at me and
wrinkling his nose 'you're so cute'
he'd say and then smile
ian was at IU for a wrestling scholarship
fucking hot bod
and he has MONEY
nice new shiny car
fucking bomb ass apartment
justin was a hottie too
they had fucking FIRE dope
two hits on the bong
and i was wasted
i refused all the food
they tried to give me
i want thin so much more
i had ONE bite
and that's cuz ian
got me a spoon
put the pudding on it
and put it in my face
uck just threw up
i can't keep food down
i'm either pregnant or sick
either way
i'm gonna have shit to deal with
i have a counseling session tomorrow
*sigh* and if i dont' go
my mom is gonna throw a fit...
ok getting ready
going
tanning
shopping
pedi
i deserve it
i spent $500
on bills yesterday
i guess i'll be posting soon
the resuts of the test...
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|
| Back on Track |
[04 May 2008|03:08pm] |
breakfast:
2 strawberries
lunch:
plain chicken breast
90 cal strawberry special K bar
diet mt. dew
dinner (planned):
90 cal chocolate special k bar
diet rockstar
and i think i'm gonna ask
jerimy, the bartender,
for two shots of smirnoff (69 cal each)
with a diet coke chaser
i'm finally back on track
i've been eating whatever i want
and doing so much cardio
that i've been maintaining
fuuuuuuuck that
losing weight starts now
friday went:
-shower
-makeup
-leggings/boots
w/a cute top
-hanging out @ chi phi
-beer
-drunk
-food
-puke
-more visiting
-kristina came
-back to chi phi
-vodka and d. redbull
-laughing
-some more beer
-weed
-flirting
-ectasy
-so much throwing up
that i popped
blood vessels in my face
-lots of gum
and water
-made out for a couple hours
w/ andrew on his bed
-no sleep. literally
-turns into saturday morning
-shower
-cleaned my apt
-left with mom
for my sister's
-4 hour fucking drive sucked
-went to 'into the woods'
-SLEEP
-back to btown
now i'm here
typing
... super
the x made me so sick
i had nothing on my stomach
but alcohol, tho
that's totally it
it felt cool for some of it
lucero tried to give me a light show
but i was too sick
andrew was being nice to me as well
the two were looking for me all night
if i was with one
the other was looking for me
and vice versa. lol
i TRIED to tell dave
that lucero wanted me
dave called me a liar
i call dave a fucking fool
i'm moving
serena moved into the new apt
and i'm totally moving my shit in
BEFORE the summer ends
it's way way way nicer
and cheaper
dishwasher
washer and dryer
IN the apt
high celings
balcony
free tanning (!!!!)
and 24 hour fitness center (!!!!!!!!)
internet, cable,
electric and water
are all inclusive
fucking clutch
i'm so cold
i can hardly take it
my lil sister
graduates from hs
in three weeks
so saturday morning
mom, emily (lil sis), & kristina (friend)
are all standing in my living rm/kitchen
i'm in my bdrm
and i hear this:
kristina: where are you going to school, emily?
emily: oh i'm not. i'm going to become a stripper.
i just haven't told mom yet. *everyone laughs*
mom: you gonna get us in for free?
emily: of COURSE! i'll have the bouncer
let you in for free! *more laughter*
my life is a joke
they were joking about me
and didn't even know it
i froze
my face fell
there was a twist
in my heart
tears were welling in my eyes
i couldn't explain the crying tho
so i swallowed it
my heart was beating so fast
i stood in the bathroom
and tried to concentrate
on straightening my hair
kristina peeks in the bathroom
i turned my head
'i heard emily'
we just looked at each other
kristina knows everything
what could you say to me
that would make it ok?
nothing. so she said nothing
my hair got super straight...
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[01 May 2008|02:03pm] |
i'm sick to my stomach
which equals no food
cool
$289 last night
hooo raaaah
and i was asked out
by a guy with the
obama campaign
ya... ok
what a pic perfect guy you are
i'm sure OBAMA would LOVE that one
he was actually hot
and his friend (seated to my right)
owned two bars in town
and i could have gone
but i went to dress
and never gave them my number
*shrug*
got my new outfit
it's chaps and a cool top
$90 outfit
i had it in layaway FOREVER
it's hot
and everyone looooves it
woot woot
anoooother boy
he's not technically new
he's one of dave's frat brothers
andrew. but i never call him by his first name
i call him 'sunshine' - it's his pledge name
he's a hottie with a sweet disposition
i hate that he falls all over himself for me
i'm not super interested
not ONLY because of that
i've never really talked to him
but, serena is a big fan of him
not sexually attracted wise
and he is NOT scared of dave
not at all
unlike matt
oh and serena and i
BOTH gave up on matt
stupid mofo
he had us BOTH
no he has NEITHER
i am horny as fuck
i haven't gotten laid
(not for lack of options)
and i miss getting laid DAILY
ugh ugh ugh
i miss seeeeeeeeeeeex! lol
serena and i got trashed
tuesday night
i was annoyed and pissed off
for most of the night
shitty weed
that dave was STUPID about
ate junk food
boring video games
with the boys
so OVER that
i got some rum for us
throughly wasted
the fifth was GONE
the combination of 4 hours of sleep
and all the alcohol
made me totally pass out
when andrew and i went to his room
he got a couple kisses in
and then he held me as i slept
when i woke, he got me water
also asked if i needed anything else
he sincerely listened to all i said
and wanted to make out
i let him kiss my neck
my makeup was off
i felt dirty like i needed a shower
my mouth tasted horrible
pass on the making out! lol
we're hanging out
hopefully later today
oh i bought sunglasses!
Louis Vuitton knock offs
as well as Versace ones
they are fucking hot
the LV ones are BLUE
with the logo inlaid
in the sides
soooooo hot
the versace ones
are inlaid with pink and silver
they look awesome on me
i watched 'i know who killed me'
terrible movie
horrible
lindsay can act but damn
it was horrible writing, directing, story
her being a stripper
totally added NOTHING to the movie
and you DON'T have to be 21
to work at a strip club
you only have to be 18
a NUDE club is different
it was funny watching
some of her moves
it was like
check i've done that
oh and that
yep that one
i've NEVER seen a girl
wear gloves, though
you'd fall on the pole
there's no gripping it
last night i got a
$100 bill & a $50 bill
fuckin' BALLIN'!!!!!!!!!!! lol
ugh my insides suck
i seriously can't stand myself
i want to be thin thin thin thin thin
THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN
k. i'm off to do productive things
..... maybe
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[30 Apr 2008|03:56pm] |
she's perfect... so beautiful
*cries*
why ?
why am i not?
i feel myself fading
i am....
i am done with food
i will starve
to feel...
full
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[25 Apr 2008|02:08pm] |
back to low carb
just beef chicken and onions today
i went to benihana last night
in indy with joel
the meal was easily $100
it was a japanese restaurant
that prepared the food
on the range in front of you
the chef kept staring at me
it was making me uncomfortable
his accent was so thick
i had trouble understanding him
i bet he wondered why
a young girl in her twenties
was with a guy like joel
s t r i p p e r ? yep
i was wearing a gray
high waisted skirt
and a black shirt tucked in
it was a 'look at my
proportional curves' outfit lol
big tits. in in in waist. hips. legs
classy is sexy, ladies
(right before i left tho
it was like i was tripping
i could SEE my waist expanding
bigger bigger bigger
i was flipping out
i wanted to rip everything off
i got over it tho... kinda)
at the table everyone was drinking
EXCEPT MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
i probably wouldn't have been carded
but DAMN DAMN DAMN
it's not so much that i WANT to drink
it's that i'm not ALLOWED
i hate that. it's fucking dumb
at the table was a young couple
pretty young mother
with tasteful clothes
long curled hair
it was her birthday
and the husband was good looking
nice clothes and upper class manners
their son was like three or four
and so beautiful
he ran the show
they paid more attention to him
than anything else
she has juice and cereal bars for him
i am so not ready for my whole life
to revolve around a lil mini-me
then part way through the meal
a man came and sat down as well
apparently he was a regular
which means he had cash to burn
i noticed a wedding ring around his finger
but he was alone...
joel is a regular at the club
overweight and old
kind and generous
he's way too involved in the girls' lives
he's divorced and his kids are grown up
he takes care of anastasia/brandi a lot
she needs it
her boyfriends always end up putting
her in the ER
staples in her head
reconstructive surgery
so freaking sad
she's beautiful with a great body
two kids ex husband
stripper for life...
so drive to indy (a lil less than 2 hours)
expensive restaurant
wish i could have had a mai tai :(
imax theatre
watched the rolling stones
movie directed by martin scorsese
it was funny and entertaining
mick is SO skinny
and he jumps around SOOOOO much
joel drove me home
offered for me to come over
to his house (with 12 foot celings)
and sit in the hot tub for my back
it hurts SO bad
but i declined
i was fucking tired
i'll do that another time
joel catered to me
and rubbed my neck
when it hurt
there was a moment
when i felt 'it'
it's the same feeling
when i do a lap dance
i slide out of myself
and a dead feeling
creeps into my eyes
i wipe myself from myself
and go elsewhere
it hurts but the pain is dulled
like hearing loud noises
through ear plugs
i can't explain it...
ugh i'm hungry
i'm trying not to eat this rice
i need to lose weight
this ridiculous amount of
cardio and toning
has kicked up my metab
and i either starve
or eat like fucking crazy
whatever i'm doing
i'm not losing weight
but when i put on the skirt
yesterday
it was looser than it's ever been
i dont' understand
i know i WEIGH more
i have SO much more muscle tone
when i stand up or flex my legs
my thigh muscles pop out
i've been complimented
and asked how much i work out
i'm really behind in bills
i need to work
tonight, tomorrow, sun and mon
so i can fucking pay some shit off
... i'm going to be in so much pain
i've started taking glucosamine
and i'm scheduled for a
deep tissue massage on tues
i can hardly move anymore
without pain
when serena and i hang out
after work, i limp
she feels bad and pops my back
for me and gets things on her own
for us if she can
oh we're taking psychadelic seeds soon
i've never done anything but
painkillers, weed, and bs x
so... this makes me nervous
but matt said it was so fun
oh matt...
i'm really hurt by him
don't even wanna hash it out
wish i could post pics
but i don't have a camera
and i don't have blue tooth
on my computer
so i can't post cell phone pics
so my mom was freaking out
and wanted answers
to my odd hours
and round abour responses
and delayed returned phone calls
i admitted to being depressed
i am but... so?
she made me schedule an apt
with a counselor
and wrote down the date
now i HAVE to go
i feel strange about it...
she wanted to come visit tomorrow
but i HAVE to work this weekend
and my apt is a disaster
so i told her next weekend would be better
she said ok
the way drunk guys compliment/hit on (strange to do to a dancer) at the club:
"you a sexy motha fucka"
"what's your story?"
"you're the sexiest girl IN this club"
"so how does it feel to be the prettiest one in here?"
"you're a bad ass motha fucka"
"you're a ten"
"you have the body for it"
"you can just sit here and smile at me"
no one ever asks if i want to...
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| FAST FACTS |
[21 Apr 2008|01:45pm] |
hey girlies
im so tired now adays
i haven't eaten in 24 hours
i work in just a few hours
my apt is a mess
this weekend i went to BSU for kristina's birthday. it was fun! :)
i have ANOTHER boy interest
i'm up to drew, marshall, ryan, jake, joel, ted, aaron, ezra
i told tony to take a hike
evan is pissed i don't like him
matt and i will never happen and that makes me cry
date tomorrow. work wed. two dates thurs.
i think i'm gonna go back to low carb
i was asked out by three guys last night. one of them an FBI agent... hmmm
i feel like i'm in constant motion. if i'm sitting, then it's a stolen moment
didn't get to celebrate 420 AT ALL and i'm fucking pissed about it
i made over $160 on a sunday. that's damn good
thinspo:
peace, <3, and THiN
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[15 Apr 2008|06:25pm] |
my mom called me a few days ago. she asked me how i was 'really doing' behind the 'mask' i didn't know what to say. i stuttered. i said i didn't know how to get what i wanted. i knew WHAT i wanted. i didn't know- i DON'T know how to get there. the convo ended. my voice was steady. calculated. mature.
after a night of removing my clothes and counting my ones. i stood in the shower. it's always the shower. stripped away and alone. dark. candles. the water. i think it's the water. the potential to be clean. new. fresh.
i didn't need to cry. i was high. i was letting it rest and surface. pulse. broken.
everything feels splintered. not a crack. everything feels broken enough to never hold it again. the pieces of me falling through my hands like water running past my fingertips. all wrapped up and twisted inside of me. how did i come to this? this jagged puzzle missing pieces. i chose everything. i stepped farther and farther from myself.
i don't know any longer. i cried that. cried it to no one. and everyone. 'i don't know' i don't understand. i forget what i believed. i don't know my absolutes. everything shifts like a shimmer of heat on the pavement. my belief rising into the air and dissappearing to the horizon.
i want to wrap happiness around myself like a blanket and sleep. let it all melt into the darkness. but i don't know how. i don't fucking know how to fix this.
is it all a moment? i am young. i am so fucking young. is this mere brevity? to starve and binge and sleep and strip? hurt and cry and love and try? boys and booze? there are so many moments. i just don't want it all to be fucked up. i don't want to be all fucked up.
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[11 Apr 2008|03:52pm] |
lil 5 has been NUTS
two nights ago
serena and i wandered around
the villas
looking for parties
ended up at another party
high and drunk
it was the wrong party
but we stopped to pee
a guy fell off the porch
serena and i were on
the sidewalk
and we starting
checking to see if he was ok
he told me he was trying
to come talk to me
he then preceeded to tell me
that i was one of the most beautiful
people he has ever seen
and that i made his night
just because he SAW me
i thanked him
and he went back to the porch
serena looks at me
and says
'he is CUTE'
he was too
great smile
tall. muscles
great hair
shy disposition
serena told me
we should go back up there
guys starting introducing themselves to me
handed me alcohol
i went inside cuz of the chill
after taking shots and flirting
the owner comes in and asks us to move outside
i apologized to him
cuz i was the one who
starting moving people inside
he put his arm around my waist
and told me i was
'way too cute to apologize for ANYTHING'
i giggled
the night continued to be crazy
smoking out of a bong
with weed i bought from dave
but serena made contact with him
he had no idea it was for me
serena left to hang out with matt
who BTW told me he liked serena
i was fucking over this bs
suddenly when serena left me there
with these guys
matt wanted to hang out
and proceeded to pick me up
and hang out with me at the house
... i flirted so hardcore
cuz i was angry and jealous
i made serena PISSED
cuz matt's ALWAYS wanted me
i got fucking wasted
beer
vodka
more beer
jager
all for free
cuz guys think i'm cute
i fucking killed my ankle
that night
i was limping
then the next morning
it was raining and i fell
my ankle is swollen bruised and scraped
it sucks
i think i injured a tendon
so no work for me
i did go partying last night
it was fucking pouring
my hair was perfect and straight
my makeup rocked
then the rain...
we went to the villas
stopped at a random porch
our hair looked like a beer commercial
tight wet tops and long wet hair
surrounded by guys
serena got PISSED cuz they were all
chatting me up
and asking for my number
turns out one of the tall ripped blue eyed guys
was a door guy at a bar called, the bluebird
he got us in
for free
i drove serena and i
half priced drinks
live bands
flirting
dancing (they could DANCE!)
running around
pictures (will post)
so fucking soaked
it was fun fun fun
minus the sidewalk
and the worms
i fucking hate them
i was almost screaming
serena wanted me to shut up
but i just couldn't take it
went back to his apt
when the bar was closed
(after being invited back
by the other doorguy)
guitar hero
music
smoked weed
leaning on charley
he starting flirting
more hardcore than josh
i liked josh's personality more
i think i could have gotten
hotter than both hehe
one of the girls
we met at the bar
told me she didnt' realize
how tall i was cuz
taller girls are bigger
and i'm 'small'
i was a tiny small tall girl
i loved that
the boys told me i was
toned
i love that too! <333
i'm so fucking hungry right now
i haven't eaten for over 24 hours
ok... pics...
(look our hair was STRAIGHT!)
(serena, bartender, me)
(charley and i)
THiNK THiN
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[09 Apr 2008|02:27pm] |
listening to one republic's 'say all i need'
do you know where your heart is?
do you think you find it?
fuck it's awesome
thank you, K!!!!!!!
haven't eaten since 10 am
yesterday
woot woot
salad tonight
so plan is:
yoga
situps
pushups
diet rockstar
tanning
nails
shower
cleaning
get ready
date (salad)
then drinking
with some IU buddies
yay lil 5 week!!!!!
omg lil 5 was SO much fun
last year
i had some fucking awesome sex
and great alcohol and weed
and fun and parties
this year is work ...
whatever...
kristina should be coming
friday
which means NOT working
and adderall
yaaaaaaay!
i'm so hungry
but fuck it
ima get it
thin is so much more powerful
beauty
thin
tan
toned
it's what i NEED
omg... i just want to
starve
and be thin
thin thin thin
it's all i'm thinking about
i think i'm sick
i don't feel bad
other than i keep
violently coughing
that's hot, right?
(superman that ho HAHA)
IMA GET IT
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|
| YESTERDAY |
[08 Apr 2008|06:09pm] |
bloated
fat
beer
weed
dance
sleep
food
situps
fucking fat
boo boo boo
it stops now
i eat nothing
til tomorrow night
with brandon
ugh i'm a bitch
almost a fight
with a waitress
making shit tips
bored
stalked
blah blah blah
watching 'the riches'
almost done
with season 1
it's fucking hilarious
smart
gotta love minnie driver
so 'fuck food'
is a classic
but 'ima get it'
is my new motto
talking to k
(gotta love that girl!)
so people are born
with talents, right?
so when jack mcsmart
uses his brains
to further his life
he's celebrated and praised.
so when i use my looks
to get what i want
i'm a slut or shallow?
fuck that
i'm smart
i was born with
my mother's big tits
dad's eye color
aunt's long legs
and fucking potential
to firm the jiggle
i wore braces for two years
whitened my teeth
tanned my skin
got a manicure
jack mcsmart went to harvard
i went to a salon
what the fuck ever
he's using his talents
i'm using mine
and i'm done justifying it
random thing
i was getting ready to vaccum
when i hear a soft knock on my door
there stands a barefoot thin woman
with modest clothes
clutching a barefoot little blonde girl
who looked about 3
her dirty fingers were in her mouth
her face was smeared with food
as well as her shirt
her mom twitched nervously and smiled
'i just moved in and i don't have a can opener'
she continued to mumble about
dinner and she was sorry
i told her i'd see if it was clean
i have two can openers
i also grabbed a $20 from my wallet
i told her to take the can opener
that was wrapped in the bill
she starts exclaiming
how she can't take it
i ignore her and start talking to her daughter
she wanted spaghetti-o's
and her name was emma
her eyes were stunning
her mother thanked me
and i told her no problem
i called to emma
that i'd see her later
i figured they needed it
more than me getting my nails done
anyway,
thinspo:
(been told i look like her
SOOOOO much at work
i have blue eyes
what's with all these
brunettes and dark eyes?
i'm tan and dark hair
with blue eyes
that's not uncommon is it?)
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[06 Apr 2008|09:06pm] |
the tan looks weird
i backed off yesterday
and went today
it looks more even
i'm tired
doesn't make sense
woke up a lil before 4
$200 on the dot last night
9 lap dances
phone number
fucked up today
hope my metab
is up enough
to compensate
calculated how much
cardio i do at work
over 60 min of cardio
plus toning
plus all the walking
sigh sigh sigh
why can't i get smaller then???
whatever
peace
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|
| Shrink Me |
[05 Apr 2008|06:04pm] |
yesterday:
vodka
redbull
diet rockstar
80 cal soup
4 saltines (48 cal)
when i woke up
this morning:
weird angle
i am so wide
i hate this
i look tanner in person
i wish i was thin standing up
today:
diet rockstar
tuna
6 crackers
soy chicken strips
reduced fat mayo
45 cal cheese
vodka later
made shitty money last night
cross your fingers for tonight
situps
pushups
obliques
think thin
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[01 Apr 2008|03:49am] |
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i don't want every choice i make to haunt me. i feel choked up and ruined as i fall asleep at night. and those are the nights i'm not fucked up. what am i doing? what the hell am i doing? all this pretending. lying. hoping. it's all wrong. everything i do is wrong. i want to be a good person. i am not a good person. i'm not. i'm...
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| I'm Trying, Dear! |
[31 Mar 2008|02:52pm] |
ok fast facts
cuz i gotta go
going home tonight
to get my car
coming back tomorrow
evan bought me diamond earrings
they're much bigger
than the ones dave bought me
they're beautiful
i still refuse to even
entertain the thought
of being exclusive with him
prolly gonna fuck aaron tonight
... and love it
been tanning
working on it
got a special box
for my FF wifey fund
that trip WILL happen
and be fucking wonderful
i cleaned and scrubbed the apt
for hours and hours yesterday
my muscles were sore when i woke
i got fucking WASTED on saturday
i spent most of the day drunk
drank jager bombs (sugar free redbull of course!!!)
almost an entire fifth of malibu by myself
(i shared with some of my friends of course)!!!
plus extra shots (like 5)
all on an empty stomach
evan was wasted too
and we got in a fucking huge fight
he called me a whore
i slapped him
tried a pole trick
while wasted
amanda was helping me
i now have big bruises
on my right leg
crawl up the pole
sit in a '4'
and hang back
then release
first time, success
next time?
hit my head on the floor
fucking druuuunk
got my french acrylics !
they look amazing
got a pedicure
both were done
while i was drunk LOL
traven (another dancer)
was at the salon at the same time
it was kinda funny
i've been successfully decorating my apt
it's looking much better
curtains up
posters
my butterflies
now i need more furniture!!!
got a new boy, ted (moanable? mmm...)
he texted me
apparently he's one of the students
i rented a house to way back
when i did the leasing shit
he wanted to hang out sat night
but i HAD to work
so maybe this weekend?
and nick popped back up in my life
he's hot but a hardcore christian
it's nice to hang out with him sometimes
we should be hanging out this week
saturday
sunday
and today
COMBINED
i've only had a turkey wrap
so... 300 to 400 cal?
ordered two new dancer outfirts
one is short chaps
that look awesome on me
and a romper
(this is a romper)
now to look like her!!!!!!
ok gotta go
pack
vaccum
hide my dancer shit
FUCK FOOD!!!
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| And the Emo Babbles... |
[27 Mar 2008|02:22am] |
I feel as though I’m destined to yearn; as if the concept of stillness or peace is to elude me forever. To touch it, happiness, would be a dissipation of my purpose. There is a hunger inside of me that must remain unquenched. To ache is to live. I breathe loneliness. if fingers caress my skin it is desire instead of comfort. It is lined with strings and pain that no one can cut, erase, or write over.
I ease into pain as if it were a comforting sweater or tempting bed of sleep. The noose of self indulgent behavior is tight around my throat. The choking intensity is a friend and enemy in a twisted blend of flavors both rich and vulgar.
I wish to rip and tear at myself. I want to rub the sin from my skin, but it stays, a stain of imperfection. I wear a robe of distinction. Those who see it cringe and shrink, and those who are blind to it are still wracked with a stench of imbalance.
A mirror of myself is a reflection of … a stage? A phase? A moment? But is it definitive? Is this who I am? Can I pray? Can I cry for a different depiction? Would it matter? I decide, right? This is MY choice! But I don’t… I don’t remember saying ‘Yes. Yes I want this. I want crumbling ground and rusted out love. I want streaked mascara and dry mouth from pills. I want crosses to bear and clichéd drenched days. Please, make me unhappy. Please!’ I don’t remember… I just … don’t.
I can’t decide the sicker part. Am I demented for the greedy part I play, or are they the twisted ones for designing the script I read? Wear a pretty costume. Paint my face. Pout smile touch wait sit cross roll bend flip sigh. Pull it tighter. Hike it higher. Paint it thicker. Brighter color. Suck it in. Stop the spinning. Hold on to the fucking rail ‘cause here we go… again.
Can I hold any more? is there no limit to this disease? Do I sink and spin and fall until it’s over? Skinned knees do nothing for my image. Untied laces used to be a concern instead of untied tops. Now it’s a moan and a breath. There’s pieces I left behind. I give to… I gave to… I forgot their names. All the… but see, … see, they- they forgot my name too.
Power? They claim it is power. Power given is not power held. It is an allowance. A piece of land ruled by an imposter is not control. It is sad. I can no longer tell if it is truth, or an idea painted on my eyes to blind me.
I can talk in circles. I can dance in squares. It remains, however, repulsive and revealing. I am marked and inked. They never told me it would suck. They never told me it would hurt. They never told me I could bleed. They never told me the fucking truth. But I never asked.
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| She Wind for the Bill... |
[25 Mar 2008|02:30pm] |
yesterday was bad
food was bad like it has been
for a week
i'm back tho
i haven't eaten since 4 pm
yesterday
and i plan on having a banana today
so evan and i...
he's the young doorguy right?
he's overweight
has a nice smile
kind of ends there
he's always been SO nice to me
one night i was bored
and horny
and i wanted to get high
so i went back to his place
after work
weed movie sex?
bad sex
*eyeroll*
i loved how he thought
i looked like a goddess
i loved how he thought
all my dorkiness was cute
he was falling for me
(or at least pretending too)
he was pissed that i was talking
to other guys
i do NOT want to be attached
i love being single
right now
i'm alone (sometimes)
but NOT lonely
a phone call
to anyone i want
and i have their company
i could even get dave
if i REALLY wanted
but i don't (ew)
evan would drive me to work
tell me how nice i looked
while handing me weed
to help me relax
rub my shoulders
after work
make me laugh
let me borrow his movies
roll me joints for later
take me out to dinner
he never had me pay
(wait. once. but whatever)
free addy
free weed
free alcohol
free food (EW!)
i offered to pay
everytime
but he always refused
he claimed he was trying
'really hard'
um... buying my affection?
ok... strip club mentality any one???
so i get to work today
with him
high as fuck
and lexi
takes one look at me
and says
you been smoking with evan?
are you fucking him?
I'D fuck him.
are you?
uh ... what?
evan starting telling people
after he was like
'let's just keep it low key for awhile'
ya ok whatever
tell your buddies we fucked
you're braaaaaagging
and it bugged me
the girls are grabbing
his crotch
i'm paying attention
to his location
and his focus
when i need to be WORKING
i missed out on at least $60
cuz of the drama last nigt
people were just shitty last night
some of it was fun
latina really likes me now
YAY! she used to be bitchy
i disappeared for like
an hour at a time
i would smoke weed
or do my makeup over
or talk to the girls
lol
and i still almost broke 200
one guy got two lap dances
didn't pay me for one
and skipped the fuck OUT
haha it's alright. i'll live
i'm learning the hard way!
so i hear this strange thing...
apparently the rumor is
evan got a girl PREGNANT
the first two weeks he worked there
he's failed to mention her name
i asked if there was shit i needed to know
was there something to hear???
no no no he assured me
i asked him AGAIN tonight
he denied it
then said if i heard shit
i should just ask him about it
... ya ok. McLiar.
the way I work is that i ask
a series of unseemingly
related questions
that reveal the truth
i'm smarter than you
way fucking smarter
so ... how many girls (dancers)
have you dated/fucked?
he couldn't uh 'remember'
um... i'm 'thinking'
there was um... brittani
and uh that other girl
can't even remember her name
oh... you can't?
um got any kids, evan?
uh NO!
ever get a girl pregnant?
NO. i did not get cici pregnant!
cici? you can magically remember her name?
... uh.. ya. i slept with her
so you lied to me
you omitted her name
which makes me think
it was a big deal cuz you LIED to me
see? it's not the rumor
that's pissing me off
it's the L Y I N G
i had this same goddamn convo
with my ex EVERY WEEK
stop fucking lying to me
i WILL fucking FOUND OUT
and you'll be in TROUBLE
i was so so so so so pissed
i decided right then and there
that we were over
i was ignoring too much shit
for me to put up with this
he has been on probation TWICE
(for drunk driving)
during which he failed
SEVERAL drug tests
irresponsible!!!!
he's 26 and just can't manage
to finish school
even tho he's SO close
he's not even currently enrolled...
laaaaaaaazy and unmotivated!!!
he does nothing but
eat. sleep. work. weed
he works at a fucking STRIP CLUB
that is a count against ME and HIM
like you're OK with that being my
o c c u p a t i o n?
and you WATCHING it happen?
wtf is WRONG with you????
he's fat and lazy.
he's place is a STY
it's gross
and he's sketch
and i've caught him in
a few more lies
that he didn't HAVE to tell
he sucks in bed
his dick is small
his stomach is big
he's kinda an asshole
i'm done dating losers
i can get way hotter guys
with money
responsible inclinations
and hasn't been in trouble
with the law
i have to have standards
i need to stop dating guys
i think i DESERVE
well, i need to start thinking
i DESERVE better guys
how about that???
so i told him it was over
after i made him drive me home
after i smoked his weed
and he gave me more addys
like... i offered to pay
over and over again
i got out of the car
he was clearly pissed
i paused at the mailbox
to get my mail
and he called to me
i said i didn't want to do this
right now
i wanted to go to bed
i had to work
it was 7 fucking AM
he demanded his addy back
um so childish
it also reminds me of dave
who demanded my jewelry back
little kids who throw a fit!
i wasn't using him
i was genuinely interested
for a bit
but there's too much fucked up shit
he's costing me business at work
he's a loser
and i need to be getting my life together
not making it fucking worse
so i'm gonna smooth shit out
with him
cuz DAMN i gotta work with him
and he works the door a LOT
i've always tipped him well
i'll continue to do so
i'm gonna text him and be like
'are things gonna be shitty between us?"
i'm gonna say i wanna be his friend
i DO ! i won't smoke his weed for free
i'm gonna be super super nice to him
and then if he's shitty
people with think HE'S a dick
instead of me being a BITCH!
i need to stop having sex
it's getting me in trouble
ok, no more fooling around
i got this
i need to concentrate
i need to get shit DONE
this is my life
i gotta stop fucking
around with it!!!
i'm gonna try to visit wifey
at the end of april
starting to save up
gotta use my tanning credits
doing my whitening
restricting at home
still doing the dancing
buying a digi camera
i've wanted one since i was 14
... ya about that. lol
i'm gonna be ok
i really will
but i'm over
tony (he's a dick. sent me a text. 'wanna suck my dick' my answer 'no')
evan (want a civil relationship w/him)
drew (still wanna be NICE to him. he's my nice neighbor)
matt (well he's over ME. i'm not over HIM. i still wear his jersey
and my heart hurts when i think about us. or the lack of us...)
aaron... idk 6 pack abs? he's not
interested in me. he's just a fuck
which makes me... sad?
he's not my type any way
and he has a KID!
i was texting my ex, cal
just cuz i wanted attention
i sent him a phone pic
looking skinny and hot
in a dress
he was like
'my gf was upset'
i TOLD you they were pics
of me in a dress
you texted me OUT OF THE BLUE
and ASKED me to send you pics
like... if you WANNA be immature
then fine go ahead
doesn't bother me
dave is SO SO outta the pic
he's apparently doing coke now
he's fucked up his life so bad
bad grades
drug dealer
on heavy drugs
lost me
his frat brothers hate him
he's overweight and single
angry bitter fucked up person...
i just wanna date
like impress me, bitch
i wanna party this weekend
with serena
i have not hung out with that kid
since before the tenth of march
... ya. think she's kinda sucking
at being my 'best friend'? ya! i do...
sorry for the lengthy post
i just need this all OUT of me
then... omg dancing
how do i wrap my head
around all of this???
this cracked out 40 year old
who made a guest appearance tonight
(taking OUR dancing spots and tips)
and she whispered to me
'dancing can be the most liberating experiences
if you LET it. YOU are in control'
........ ok. she was NUTS
her dance was... omg
and she literally STRUTTED around the CLUB!
it was freaking me OUT
i'm going in at 7 i think
i'm taking a cab
cuz i want evan to know i'm serious
he's pissed cuz he's gonna look
like a DOUCHE
he started bragging about
fucking the new hot girl
and i just dumped him
... oh sad day
shouldn't have been a liar!
and should have been
a better fuck. LOL
going tanning in less than 30 min
with amanda (another dancer)
i switch between
using their real names and dancer names
it's strange
jackie referred to me
by my real name after work last night
for the first name
it felt... refreshing
Jackie was WASTED
i wouldn't let her drive home
i INSISTED meadow
take her out to eat
jackie's gf is gonna be pissed
she was out so late
but OMG she was fucking shit faced!!!
i met a guy there last night
who wrote about the
contrast in strip clubs
located in tijuana and san diego
he wasn't telling me
super interesting stuff
i kinda left him alone
he got a lap dance so whatev
oh and jeff called
my march rent
wasn't paid
and april is due the 2nd
hahahaha
i'll get the money
for april in MAX 3 days
no problem, asshole
i can take care of myself
leaving to tan so SOON!!!
oh and the parentals are buying
me a car!!!!!!
mom got a new prius
for herself
dad got a new F-150 crew cab
for himself
mom got a new mac computer
like... dad's new job
is putting us BACK in money
THANK GOD
i missed it SO SO SO much!!!!
yesterday's menu:
percocet
weed
adderall
alcohol
be careful, girl
oh and this new girl
i just met last night
said 'oh we have the same legs!
big thighs and lil calves'
i just blinked
big thighs? i have big thighs?
i was so upset
then the girls starting talking
'we had another veronica
but she was really really skinny'
OMG WHAT IS WITH PEOPLE
CALLING ME FAT??!?!?!
i need to get back on track
this dancing it's just...
i don't know
doesn't matter
if i'm me or veronica
both girls are looking
for happiness
i don't think either will find...
i think right now
i'm gonna date slow
figure myself out
pay bills
try to save up for school
have fun
but be smart
do my shit
be a good person
i'm gonna try
i really am...
FUCK FOOD!!!
(oh lindsay. i love you. but damn. ankle braclet??? <333)
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| Wind It Down... |
[18 Mar 2008|03:24am] |
just got off work
i'm exhausted
but i need to unwind
sign online
and who messages me?
dave
he's not my friend
so i pressed 'decline'
... just leave me alone
you're mean to me
and you cause trouble
i'm just done
ok? ok
my feet oh my FEET
i want him to give me
a massage and a blunt
and then leave lol
i worked 5 pm to 3 am
a lil tired? yes. a lil tired
plus i'm getting up at noon
to go tanning with jackie
my tanning credits
gots to be USED!!!!
only did two dances tonight
sooooo many drinks
made about $120
the girls weren't making anything
the most anybody got was
three dances
intensely sucky nights...
more numbers from guys
i'm not calling
i don't call guys
i'm sorry
it's like...
i have to keep
the two worlds separate
and only one of them
was cute enough to call
and he was too short
i don't want to sleep
with tony any more
i really fucking don't
he's only so so in bed
he's selfish, rude
and it's going no where
i don't want it to go anywhere
and he's not even hot
i just want his weed LOL
this lil mexican dude
was trying to get me
to be his gf
he was a drug dealer
pills powder weed
anything everything
he said he'd pay my rent
buy me a car
pay my cell bill
... ok. you're like 5'1"
your english sucks
you've been to jail
you frequent strip clubs
i'm done dating dealers
and ugly people
no no no no no
i just nodded and took his money lol
i was fucked up off
percocets for a bit
and the alcohol we bought
i sat on this guy's lap
for like 30 min
and just talked lol
i was relaxing
i got tips and a lap dance
so i was having fun lol
oh evan wants to date me
i don't get it
i just dont' think i'm that pretty
what is with all these guys?
'you're the prettiest girl here'
'you're so beautiful'
'i want to date you'
'how do i hang out with you
outside the club?'
'omg you are so beautiful!"
'i'm gonna be dreaming about you all night"
'you're one of the hottest girls
i've ever seen!!!'
'your eyes are so mesmerizing'
'i'm so smitten (LOL) with you'
'you're stunning'
'i can't even pay attention to anyone else'
ya they all must be fucking drunk
i told evan my real name tonight
he's a nice guy
and he takes care of me
so i told him to demonstrate my trust
i still crack up
when i catch him watching me dance
like, he sees girls do it everyday
so... he must see something
that holds his attention
i bet it's cuz i'm new
ugh i'm so tired
couldn't sleep last night
and those fucking dogs...
sigh sigh sigh
tanning tanning tanning
i HAVE to
it's driving me nuts
plus it's money just SITTING there
i'm gonna buy my own tanning lotion
and i'm not gonna leave it out in the cold
it'll be a good investment
fuck! i aaaaache
everybody loves my new outfit
yay yay yay
i look so thick in it tho
evan says i look great
but ya... ok
i was told i have the 'perfect body'
by a customer
*eyeroll* ok buddy
you pay and my top comes off
you don't need to lie to me
oh and get this
so you just do your thing
and if the dj says your name
just once into the mic
you come to the dj booth
so i hear 'veronica'
and i go up to bob
'ya?'
he waves me into the booth
and he has a breathalyzer
i panicked
i didnt' feel drunk
and it had been hours
since my last drink
but... ya
what happened if i blew something?
i was so scared
fired? what what what???
he said they were doing it to all the
underage girls
... i've never done it before
so i had to blow a second time
cuz i didn't know what i was doing
my heart was beating so fast
i was clean... sigh of relief!!!
turns out if you blow something
they just tell you to go home
that's it. nothing else
good to know!!!
omg i am SO tired
i just wanna
fall into bed
but i HAVE to shower
i need to do so much shit
jeff drives me nuts
he texts me and tells me
how much he's been working
and working out
uses the word 'productive'
like he's telling me i don't do shit
all day and i just sleep
he doesn't know i work 8 to 10 hour shifts
and i'm not fucking telling him
so i just take his shit
hey, my rent's paid so i keep my tongue
ok...
some thinspo and
i'm off to shower/bed
THiN is iN for LIFE
get wid it...
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| It Hurts So Good... |
[17 Mar 2008|02:22am] |
got off work
needed a ride home
asked marika for one
i could get a ride
IF i went out to eat with them...
went
ate
i feel like shit
my body isn't used to processing food...
work was SHIT today
first off, it's a sunday
and IU classes start tomorrow
we had 4 customers all day
4 4 4 FOUR FOUR FOUR
no one got lap dances
and two guys didn't even tip
i made $13
1 3 1 3 1 3 THIRTEEN OMFG
and 3 of them were
from another dancer
that was just chillin' at the club
t h i r t e e n !!!!!
that's not even a lap dance!!!!!
and i spent sooooo much
i bought new outfits
$72 worth of new outfits
i had no dancing thongs
or tops
or dance outfits
i bought a super cute lawyer one
it makes my ass look bigger (yay!)
and it emphasizes my gigantic tits lol
and i got two thongs (red and black)
and a top (gold cuz it matches both)
plus white thigh highs
cuz of my knees/legs
i need them and i already have black
i'll get fishnet thigh highs when
my legs have healed
oh my knees
i couldn't even get on them today!
evan wanted me to do the last dance
(he put me by myself
so he could play me music
that he and i liked
he played me 'jessi's girl' YAY!)
that's kind of an honor
cuz you have the last chance to make money
and the dj normally ends with music
he thinks is like... fitting or whatever
but idk it got fucked up
and lexi whined and got one more dance
*shrug* i don't care
but lexi does drive me nuts
thia and i talked a lot
about her autistic son
he had been injured
and i suggested diet changes
talked about therapy
and blah blah blah
her tits are so perfect
they're fake
but perfect
grrr....
so tonight was a bust
but i go into tomorrow at 5
it will be good
i WILL make money! lol
i'm washing all my clothes now
gonna try to hang my new curtains
tomorrow before work
so i have furniture now
and curtains
flowers
wall decor
bed frame
my apt is starting to look
livable. homey. inviting.
yay! hehe
now i need a tv!!!!
i love love love my new phone
it takes fucking AWESOME pics
i gotta figure out
how to get them on here
without bluetooth
i'll be reading the manual later...
one of the door guys
brought a friend
and he was eyeing me aaaaall night
lol boys are funny
he finally starting talking to me
but the night was like over
he was pretty cute *shrug*
i miss my wifey
she is away on her cruise
being tan and thin
and in love with her boo
i'm sure she's having loads of fun
but without meeeeeeee!!!!
she sent me a poster collage
for my bday
and it's got all kinds
of thinspo (verbal and visual)
and our names
and it's so so so cute
i hung it above my bed
if my mom comes,
i'll just take it down
and stash it in my closet
k also got me a tshirt
that says
'yes i am a model'
lmao i love it
i'll post pics when i can!
my 'best' friend, serena
didn't even see me on my bday
so, ya. super.
she didn't see me the next day
or the day after that or the day after
i haven't seen her at all
... so ... ya
i don't get it
all my 'friends' here
like ditch me
and ... i don't know
never mind
i'm whining
dave hasn't contacted me
but i'm worried
cuz i know he's back in town now
he's not 21 so he can't come
to the club
but his brothers...
if they see me and tell him...
it's over
my life is fucking over
he'll come for me
... and i don't want to know
my arm is so bad
from the pole
the bruise
gets worse and worse
bigger wider darker
stupid pole
tonight was interesting
after work, i mean
with another dancer
and our dj
they've been around awhile
and it was weird
what they had to say
about the club
religion
sex
life
books
people
i can't believe i ate
i wrestled with it
i fought
i failed
boo boo boo
this dancer, electra,
god fucking damn
her face is ugly as hell
but her abs are perfect
perfect
she was dancing
and her ribs and hips
and everything was so perfect
she has a 2 year old
but she has perfect abs
the bitch
... grr
and then i justified food
what is WRONG with me????
ok... exhausted
laundry
shower
bed
wake up
dance dance dance
gotta get dat money!!!!
night lovas!!!!
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[16 Mar 2008|03:09pm] |
hello all
i am not dead
i am not ignoring you
i did not try recovering
the guy i steal my internet from
went on spring break
and turned his off
he's still not back
but i can occasionally catch a brief
signal for a bit
so cross yo fingers
ack...
so the tenth i turned 20
2 0
i am no longer a teen
i am not yet allowed to drink
*eye roll*
on this past sunday (the 9th)
i was hanging out with tony
i didn't eat
went to his friend's house
with him
he was house sitting
for spring break
(i had also walked
about 3+ miles
to serena's apt
and was fucking dying)
i got drunk and high
and we had sex
and then he announced
he had to go to work
i was fucking PISSED
and was cussing at him
i was so mad
lol. it was just cuz i was drunk
so he drops me off
i get it in my head
that 'fuck it. i can do it'
it's only like quarter to 11
and i'm drunk and high
it's an hour to my 20th
and i can do this
so i walk
across town for an hour
popping addys
and still drunk and high
a girl in a big city
by myself
walking fucked up
across town...
i'm an idiot
but i'm fine
i walked to a strip club
i sat outside thinking
and i turned 20
sitting on a curb
outside the club
i couldn't feel the cold
just the anxiousness
and the alcohol
i walked in the club
saw the flashing lights
the loud music
a topless girl
guys at the stage
i turned around and walked
right back out!
walked around the club
sat on a bench i saw
outside a random door
and heard the last call
they were closing
it was now or never
i walked in and stood
at the bar
until he turned around
and wandered over to me
'who do i talk to about dancing?'
he starts saying how auditions
are M-F at so and so
i looked at him
'i walked here an hour.'
he looks at me
still clad in my puffy jacket
and says 'i'll hire you right now'
i am the only girl to be dancing right now
who didn't have to audition
i was pretty enough to just get in. lol
so i started the next night
a dancer named jackie gave me
a ride home that night
we talked a bit about the job
i was nervous as hell
and didn't sleep
i just wrestled with my decision
5 o'clock. that was when i had to be
at work. addy addy addy
i didn't sleep. i couldn't sleep
i called serena
the next day
told her what happened
... hesistation. says she's in pike
knows it's my bday
but says she'll be back today
and she'll go to the club with me
i could hear the
'i didn't think we'd actually DO this..."
in her voice
but i need the money
jeff is not a good sugar daddy
i honestly don't know if my rent
was EVER paid
i owe my electric bill
and 100 in student loans
this month and hospital bill
and groceries and on and on and on
and he gives me... nothing
so i danced
the first 5 minutes
of walking onto the floor
i had a request for a lap dance
normally you have to chat them up
persuade them
they have to see you shake it
they saw me from across the room
i am the prettiest girl there
i'm told by regulars
the actual dancers
and other customers
i have only worked there 4 nights
i have customers who ask for me by name
i had a customer who came in
during my work hours
to specifically get a dance from me
and tip me and give me a present!
it's a US dollar coin from 1925
cool, huh? lol
my name is Veronica
and i'm a stripper
weird to say
weird to acknowledge
i am bruised everywhere
i have open wounds on my knee
from falling on the carpet
(those shoes are INSANE)
i have bruises from the stage
my arms are bruised from the pole
where my hip bones
and spine connect with the floor
as i lie on stage
to do tricks and moves
there are bruises
i wear thigh highs
and i cover the bruises
and i dance
average is $200 a night
i have cash cash cash
and i don't pay taxes
it's legal
it's just not desirable
to have this job...
i was safe cuz spring break
classes start tomorrow
i pray i run into NO IU students i know
last night
there was a guy
who wanted my number
and to date me
and omg he looked like an
abercrombie and fitch model
*sigh* lol
i get about 2 numbers a night from guys
they want me to come back to their hotel
or they want a date with me
this guy said i shouldn't be dancing
'oh what should i be doing?'
'being my girlfriend!'
lol
a guy told me last night
that i was one of the hottest girls he's ever seen
i don't have kids
and im not into hard drugs
i'm new at this
and i'm a lot less dirty
when i dance
than the other girls
so i'm becoming a favorite
the girls say it's my 'innocence'
i'm apparently versatile
i've been told i look
hispanic, hawaiian, italian
and greek
lol. i'm british, people. ok?
but whatever
if it works for them
then i get a tip
jackie (not her real name)
(she's danced for ten years)
is kinda my mentor
she watches out for me
gives me rides to work
and helps me with the rules
as i'm trying to figure it all out
she brought me over to a guy
who never buys dances or drinks
for any girls
he's a regular
saw me and requested my company
i was gonna get some $$$
but i had been pulling doubles
and not eating more than 200 cal a day
i had also taken
lortab, adderall, 1/4 an ectasy pill
and was drinking alcohol
and i made myself sick
i had to go do my last set
and then ran outside to throw up... again
fortunately, the guy's coming back to see me
dancing is a fucking awesome work out
you're sweating and shakin' it
twisting and (some girls eat at work
but i do NOT) bending
i'm getting more toned
and the cardio is awesome
my arms are gonna be stellar
i've already lost weight
and i'm not served alcohol
cuz i'm not 21 but i
tell the customers that i am
and i get bought drinks
cuz i make money off them
and the waitress just give me sprite
so sometimes the older girls
will order a whiskey and coke
and i'll order a coke
and we'll switch
if we get caught, i'm fired
but i need the alcohol
to relax at work...
cuz damn...
indiana state law
says i can't show
my nipples or my pussy
so thong and then
the girls
paint, tape, bandaid, or sticker
their nipples
i'm just used to it now
8 lap dances last night
that's great for a night
during spring break
and some girls get like 1 or 2
any old night
and some can get 30
on an insane night
lap dances are $20 plus tip
i gave one last night
walked away from the couches
and... where the FUCK is my $20?
fell outta my panties and another girl
snatched it up
i got my $50 VS bra stolen
the other night too...
the girls can be bitches
it's all about competition
but sometimes we help each other
like we'll kick each other
lap dances or get each other tips
the club is an alternate reality
you will never find another place
like that on this planet
i keep wrestling with who i am
rochelle said
ok, at the club you are veronica
and you hustle and be this girl
now when you go home
you go back to being someone's
daughter, mother, friend, etc
just leave it at the club...
evan, one of the door guys
who has a crush on me
and who i sometimes catch
watching me dance (lol),
told me to
stop beating yourself up
about doing this job
it's not horrible
you are not horrible...
but if anyone finds out i do this...
anyone from home
or my family or...
a brother at chi phi... fuck i just...
i just need money, people
so... ya
so dave won't leave me alone
he wants to get back together
i'd have 11 missed calls
2 voicemails and 3 texts
in less than an hour
o b s s e s s e d
i was like, dave, i do not want to be with you
i dont' care if you've changed
(which i don't believe he HAS)
i do NOT want to be with you!!!!!
he sent me flowers for my bday...
i got a new phone for my bday
i love love love it
took great pics with it
can't post 'em cuz i don't have bluetooth
this is an old school imac computer
he finally got the message
and told me he would get 'justice'
for this and that next time he saw me
he'd kill me with his bare hands
if i snuck into his house again,
he'd kill me 'he promised'
i was nothing but trash and filth
my own family didn't like me
blah blah blah
just let it go! i don't want to be with you
but i do want to be with matt
*sigh* i want him
i really really really do!!!!
i'm not going to work in an hour...
i should go at like 8 or something
idk maybe i won't go today
it'll be dead and i'm sore from last night
we have a schedule but i like don't
cuz i'm new and... idk i need to call bob
(he's our dj and schedule dude)
blah blah blah
i dance and sleep
sleep and dance
shake shake shake it. lol
ugh there's so much more to tell
but
a) this post is too long
and
b) i don't know if i wanna say it all anyway
ok... ttyl lovelies!!!!
http://www.verticaldance.com/superman.jpg
i've actually seen a dancer do this
except she had both hands off the pole!
and she was topless with a thong on. lol
the girls can do some crazy shit!!!!
ok, peace out!!!!!
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